So, I've been offered a job. I wasn't really looking for a job, the job I have works fine. A few scratches here and there, some of the paint is worn off of the corner, but it didn't seem worth it to just run out and get a new one. Still, the detritus from my previous job searches existed out in the flotsam and jetsam of several internet job boards, and this job found me. Specifically, a recruiter found me. I played coy at first. The drive is a bit longer. It was a very large company, which I am generally against on principle. All of the anagrams that could be made from the company's name were non-fart related in nature. I was hesitant. Still, the recruiter showed persistence.
He started off casually, "So, how about a 60% raise?"
This seemed like a trick. 60% of zero was only $12,000 a year. "Erm, I don't know."
"Have you ever dreamed of owning your own dragon?"
"My wife doesn't even like dogs."
He was nonplussed. "We will fly in an elderly Japanese gentleman to teach you the art of ninjitsu."
"Have you been reading my Karate Kid fan fiction?"
"Yes, and despite that we still want to hire you."
It was tempting. "Well, it would look good on a resume." He sensed my interest, and pounced, much in the way that a tiger would pounce on, I guess another tiger that the first tiger was trying to recruit to do something. Another pouncing job, maybe.
"You want to see the cryogenically frozen body of Walt Disney?"
"I thought that was just a rumor!"
"It is to all but 3 people in the world. After you, we'll kill the third one." The talk of wanton murder was a bit of a turn-off. He added a note of desperation to his voice. "We have a time machine. You can use it on every other Wednesday."
The wheels began turning, a soft "Hmmm" escaped my mouth. He must have realized what I was thinking, because he cut in, "Of course, protocol prevents you from really altering the timeline, like killing Hitler.."
I cut him off, "But could I shave Lincoln while he sleeps?"
He hesitated, "...I guess... What do you say?"
"You're a fancy-pants recruiter and I'm just a regular pantsed guy, but I would be pleased to be the new night shift manager at Denny's!"
So the military has to rule out the honest approach. It's a hard job for very little pay. You get shot at. It's a lot like working the midnight shift at the Gas-N-Go except you can't steal the Slim Jims. So they have to appeal to patriotism and honor and other such qualities that you were supposed to learn by repeating the Pledge of Allegiance once a day from 1st to the 12th grade (Did anyone else think the word was actually "invisible"? How the fuck did we live in one nation, invisible?). I saw a billboard for the marines this morning that said, "We don't accept applications. Only commitments". Or something like that. It was early and I was drinking (Had the billboard actually said, "It's early and you're drinking. C'mon, join already", it might have been such an eerie coincidence that I would've had no choice but to sign up). That's a bit extreme, don't you think? I've never had a job interview where I've walked in and been immediately asked to pledge my loyalty without the company knowing anything about me.
On second thought, that's exactly how I ended up in that Turkish prison.
But it totally applies here. I don't think I've ever watched a Youtube video five times in a row before. Watch this and then follow up with the rest of the post:
Cast of characters (I think):
The main character - Richard Dawkins, noted biologist and writer
Guy with the squid on his hat: PZ Myers, who got kicked out of a showing of Expelled
The bikini lady: Eugenie Scott, Director of the National Center for Science Education
Guy with braces: Sam Harris, atheist and author of "Letter to a Christian Nation"
Guy in huge hat: Philosopher Daniel Dennett
Guy who looks like Charles Darwin: Charles Darwin
And these are probably the lyrics, I lifted them off of a blog comment somewhere:
My name is D to the I to the C to the K, Yeah I'm the Dickie D,
I gots my phd and comin' your way on the youtube to bust your world view
so just listen to me and don't you argue.
You see, this battle's been ragin' since Zeus was on the bottle,
between Science like Democritus and Faith like Aristotle,
who said the mover wasn't movin' like some magic trick but
that's no good logic, my posse is far too quick for this
religious sthick.
Cos science is the only way to know y'all,
you stand with me y'all,
or you can fall y'all so go ahead and take your pick.
ES: Yeah you tell him Rick ...
Darwin : Cos if you don't know me ...
RD: YOU DON'T KNOW DICK!!
Chorus : Yeah he's the Dick to the Doc to the phd,
he's smarter than you he's got a science degree!
Yeah he's the Dick to the Doc to the phd,
he's smarter than you he's got a science degree!
SH:On the shoulders of midgets we built up this machine,
DD:YEAH!!!
RD:Silence that watch... Paley
Growing stronger and harder almost daily, storming wilber by force as we framed the discourse until the science split in schismatic divorce then Darwin took to the seas to see what no one had seen, and ever since then we've been increasingly keen, they may never adore us, but they'll no longer ignore us, give it to 'em PZ hit these BLEEP with the chorus!!!
Chorus : Yeah he's the Dick to the Doc to the phd,
he's smarter than you he's got a science degree!
The Dick to the Doc to the phd,
he's still smarter than you he studied biology!
Then there was Darrow dukin' it out with the straight and the narrow a ragin' bull in the ring, he did his thing, and took it on the chin like he was bobby de niro.
We might have lost at Scopes, beaten down by the dopes, and the stooges of popes, but in losin' we coped, becomin' more than we hoped, creationists slipped on the soap of their own slippery slope, what was impossible, improbable, is now wholly unstoppable .... the creationst foldup you hate us talking bull, don't you know that this Dick BLEEP frickin' unblockable ...
Chorus : Yeah he's the Dick to the Doc to the phd,
he's smarter than you he's got a science degree!
The Dick to the Doc to the phd,
he's still smarter than you he studied biology!
Now the machine of our making, sees culture ripe for the taking Cos I'm the rapper thats rappin the .... unlike the Catholic, Muslim or even the Jew, believes that no God but science could ever be true, hell if I was dyslexic I'd even hate "dog" too.
Time to open your eyes, get yourself wise, the age of science has arised to be religions demise, and while you turkeys all cry, shouting why God oh why, I'll still be poppin' my collar earning more dollars than Allah.
Chorus : Yeah he's the Dick to the Doc to the phd,
he's smarter than you he's got a science degree!
The Dick to the Doc to the phd,
he's still smarter than you he studied biology!
Chorus : Yeah he's the Dick to the Doc to the phd,
he's smarter than you he's got a science degree!
The Dick to the Doc to the phd,
he's still smarter than you he studied biology!
This past weekend Gov. Mike Huckabee was on Saturday Night Live. I don't care for the man's politics, but you have to appreciate someone who can laugh at themselves.
Geese are assholes1.
1. If you're a goose and you're offended, my apologies. In my defense, you're probably an asshole.
Many large cities lie in ruins, as well as the most recognizable and photogenic of monuments around the world, destroyed by a special-effects laden alien death ray. Someone who would never have been elected President in real life gives a rousing speech and leads the ragtag band of poorly-trained civilians in a grand battle against alien deathships whose size can only be described as "big ass". We win, of course, every damn time, because we are the civilization that invented 'Weekend at Bernie's'. 
In the film, "The Last Starfighter" the protagonist dreams about leaving his small town and doing something great. He gets his wish when it turns out that his favorite video game is a actually a convoluted plan to recruit the most skillful starfighter pilots to fight the evil Xur and the Kodan armada. The 80's were awesome. Anyway, I'd like a Prius. So if there's some game where you have to drive a Prius, I'm all over it1.
1. Yes, it did seem like an abrupt ending, didn't it? Personally, I'd have liked to hear more about the Prius. Rumor has it the 2008 models can travel through time.
Contributors
- doug
- I've been called "our generation's only sexy renaissance man" by Newsweek (which is why I subscribe to TIME). I read a lot. Virtually anything about science. Lately, I'm not so much of a fiction guy. I like to know a little about a lot of things.
When the hell did I say that?
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